When my daughter died, I remember making a mental list in my head of everyone I knew.  I wanted to call everyone within the first few days, with the horrible news that my daughter had taken her life, at the young age of fourteen years old; she was only a Freshman in high school.

Looking back now, I think I wanted to get it out-of-the-way and be done with the dread of having to make these ghastly phone calls.  I knew I had to do it, after all, I was her mom, but it was one of the hardest things to do, calling all our friends, family, and acquaintances.

As hard as it was emotionally, it allowed me the allotted time and it was under my terms.  I didn’t want to be surprised later, when I wasn’t emotionally prepared to deal with the conversations of “how’s Jewels doing?”  This indorsed me to take back the control in a situation where all my control had been taken away from me.

Did I remember everyone?  Pretty much, but I did forget one person on my mental list and to this day, I haven’t told him, and it’s been a little over a year now since she’s been gone.  I like to pretend she’s still here when he asks about her.

I’ll need to tell him eventually.  We don’t see each other too often, but it’s kind of nice having one friend who doesn’t look at me with sad eyes and I can pretend, just for an hour, to be the person I used to be before Jewels’ suicide.


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