Tag: horses

LABELS

It has been almost ten years since I became obsessed with suicide. As many of you may know, my beautiful daughter died by suicide almost ten years ago on November 26, 2016. Immediately after, I started noticing everything related to suicide and depression. There were more advertisements about it, more television shows, and more social media posts. I was obsessed with reading every book and watching every show on Netflix about suicide and depression. I had become preoccupied with death. I was crazed into learning all I could about depression and all mental health disorders. I wanted to know why my sweet little girl took her life.

Perhaps it was my own perception, but it seemed as if the entire world had been infected with the conversation around suicide. Shortly after, Chester Bennington, from the band Linkin Park, also died from suicide. This is when I was introduced to The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP). I was introduced to other parents like me. I was in a new club that nobody wished to be in, but I found some needed support with people who understood what I was going through. I was now labeled as a suicide survivor since I had survived the death of a loved one by suicide. Was I becoming more fixated on suicide that seemed to be suffocating me, or was there more suicide attempts and completion that I was now noticing? I’m not sure, but I started noticing it everywhere.

In groups, we talk about the importance of starting the conversation and speaking up and talking about suicide. I agreed that this was a good point and could help those that felt stigmatized by the word, not feeling comfortable talking about how they are feeling and accepting that they are struggling with their mental health. I felt as if something like this could have helped my daughter and was happy to see that maybe mental health was moving in a more positive, productive direction. I felt as if our society was starting to take notice to our mental health crisis in our country. I became aware that I was reading more articles about prevention. I joined the Riverside Coalition group in Riverside County – helping to better educate educators and society about suicide prevention and awareness. I was pleased with the progress, witnessing, as a society, that we were starting to make a difference when it came to talking about suicide and mental health.

Shortly after that Covid hit and more people were struggling with the isolation, lack of community, and social connection. Once again, that old familiar feeling of fear crept back into my heart. However, I felt as if, our nation, society, and community, we were still on track to understanding the fragility of our nation’s mental health. Once again, I was in awe with our communities. Reporters were opening the conversations, the media was openly addressing mental health awareness, and even the news on the local radio station was supporting individuals, families, and communities. We were doing this together. After Covid, I saw a dramatic improvement with mental health and suicide awareness. Unfortunately, in 2026, I witnessed a decline in our understanding of suicide and mental health awareness.

Have we regressed? Currently, our nation is a mess. We’re dealing with pollical issues daily, hate crimes, falsified news reporting, and deportation issues. I am ashamed of how our nation has handled certain political situations. As a defense to all this hate, we have become fixated on words and language. I do believe that words matter, so I am especially sensitive to this subject, because they do hurt and so many times certain individuals don’t take accountability for their words and actions – this is a shame. I completely believe in the importance of communication.

As I noted earlier, starting up the conversation about suicide ideations, thoughts and mental health awareness, is such a beneficial tool. However, lately, I’ve seen a sensitivity around certain words, creating a stigma that had once been lessened and that stigma is suicide and mental illness. I say mental illness because there is a difference between this and mental health. Mental illness is a diagnosed mental disorder by a professional mental health psychologist, psychiatrist, or therapist. Whereas mental health is about the overall well-being of our mental state. We use these terms loosely, and they are distinctively different. We say that we are open to speaking out about these prospects, but are we?

I have also noticed lately that certain institutions and mental health activists are creating a language barrier between us and mental health agencies. Certain words are no longer allowed to be used, creating confusion on what we can and cannot say to each other. We want to think that we are being sensitive to an individuals’ feelings and emotions by creating new words to camouflage words like suicide and mental illness but unfortunately what we are doing is indirectly, creating more shame. Who is it that we are trying to protect – the industry of mental health? Is it us who have diagnosable disorders or the part of society that doesn’t’ and just thinks that they need to get involved. Personally, all this confusion between what words we can use and cannot use, makes me feel like they don’t really understand us at all. We don’t care about the words used, but rather the ability to communicate how we are feeling and have our voices heard. I don’t want someone to advocate for me if they don’t know what it is like to live in my shoes.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t wish to shout out my mental health diagnosis to the world, there needs to be a privacy between me, my therapist and my family, if I choose, but I don’t want to feel awkward either. I don’t care so much about the words, but I do want to have the freedom to talk about them without feeling shamed. I can’t tell you how many times people have asked me about my daughters and when I say that my youngest daughter died by suicide, they get this blank look upon their face, changing the subject or saying something uncomfortable and awkward. I get it, it’s not a comfortable conversation to discuss, but this is my life. Someday, my wish is that we, as a society, can treat suicide and mental health disorders as we would a physical illness, with grace, compassion, and understanding, and without the awkwardness. Mental illness is an illness just like any physical illness, it just so happens to be associated with the mind, instead of the physical body. I’m not sure why we have separated the body from the mind, while making the mind a shameful organ. It’s a mystery to me. The brain is an organ, just as the heart is an organ. Perhaps it is because we don’t understand the mind. My hope is that as science grows and develops, we will better understand the mind the same as the body, treating both equally without shame and judgements.

Most of us just want to be understood and heard. Shame isolates, creating feelings of loneliness, worthlessness, and desperation. Just because we have a mental disorder doesn’t mean that we are broken. As of any illness or disease, we can find a cure. Medications can help us to live healthy lives. Labels only make us feel more isolated and alone. We aren’t a label. We are human beings with hearts, souls, and minds. We all want the same thing – to be loved, heard, understood and find a lasting connection.

I don’t want to feel ashamed of who I am anymore. I don’t want to be labeled as a person with anxiety and PTSD. I don’t want the stigma that I am broken. I don’t want to feel ashamed. I don’t want to be unheard anymore. We are all beautiful inside and outside, in body, mind, and soul. Let’s just live our lives to the fullest, with our community, and in peace. It is okay that we aren’t perfect. None of us are, but what we are, is a community loved by each other.

If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide or suicidal ideations, you are not alone, text 988, visit them online at https://988lifeling.org to learn more about how they can help, or reach out to someone you trust, such as a mentor, friend, or a family member for support.  We are in this battle together and always remember that you are never alone.